I feel like Germany really needs to draw the right conclusions from Eurovision: a) No one votes for us anyway at this point b) we’re guaranteed a spot in the finale bc we’re a member of the Big 5.
Conclusion: We can basically hold televisions across Europe hostage for 3 minutes and do what the fuck we like. Let some random security guy sing, elected 30 seconds before going on stage. Classical opera sung after breathing helium. Slightly sing-songy stand up comedy. Sneak in Die Ärzte under fake names and do whatever. A speed caricaturist drawing the competition while doing some half-hearted whistling. Host a drunk ballet performance.
What are they going to do? Ban us?
I volunteer to hold a lecture on java programming set to off-key flute music.
One of the baristas at a nearby Starbucks makes me lose my mind every time I’m working there by saying things that are not outside the spectrum of normal human words but are just slightly off-the-wall.
Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, home of delicious, what deliciousness can I put in motion for you today?
Customer: … Can I get a trenta pink drink please?
Barista: Go big or go home, we here at Starbucks appreciate your commitment, what else can I get started for you?
***
Customer: Nitro cold brew with shots of espresso please.
Barista: Brave of you to commit to staying awake for three days, anything else today?
***
Barista: *slams open drive-thru window* HI HOW ARE YOU?
Customer: …I’m pretty good.
Barista: Are you ready to be even better? Because you’re about to be. *hands them their coffee*
***
Barista, realizing that a drink was made wrong: *slams open window* SO how do you feel about surprises?
Customer: ….they’re okay.
Barista: Great because I’m about to give you one.
***
Barista: You have two drinks so I am going to hand you two straws which means, FANTASTIC news, these straws double as drumsticks. / You have one drink so I am going to hand you one straw and, promise not to tell anyone, this straw doubles as a magic wand.
***
Barista: Here are those cake pops, I plucked them fresh from the tree myself.
***
Barista: *slams open window, holding drink* Amazing, fantastic, delicious, you are a very lucky man/woman!
***
Barista, realizing drink is being delayed or remade: Looks like it’s gonna be just one minute so they have time to put the extra love in.
***
Barista: I’ll be with you in one hot second. *beat* WOW that second sure was hot!
Anyway she has a few dozen catchphrases she rotates appropriately and it’s both distracting and fantastic to listen.
Everyone saying “i love her” in the notes, do NOT worry she loves you too.
Every time a customer says “I love your energy,” or “I love your enthusiasm,” she says “I love YOUR energy! You have a fantabulous rest of your day, don’t forget to be awesome! I’ll see you later, alligator!”
So I looked up the whole story and, as the BBC reports:
I legitimately want to know what the wife’s reaction to this was. I know she deserves to go to jail for attempted murder, but I can only just wonder what was going through her head when she saw him get out of bed complaining of a headache.
